Posts Tagged ‘engineer’
Microsoft Panhandler v1.0 (Beta)
|Redmond, WA — Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product for Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandling.”The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for money,” recalls Gates. “I suddenly realized that we were missing a golden opportunity. Here was [...]
Real software engineers eat quiche.
|Real software engineers eat quiche. Real software engineers don’t read dumps. They never generate them, and on the rare occasions that they come across them, they are vaguely amused. Real software engineers don’t comment their code. The identifiers are so mnemonic they don’t have to. Real software engineers don’t write applications programs, they implement algorithms. [...]
Real opcodes
|AAC Alter All CommandsAAD Alter All DataAAO Add And OverflowAAR Alter At RandomAB Add BackwardsABC AlphaBetize CodeABR Add Beyond RangeACC Advance CPU ClockACDC Allow Controller to Delete ContentsACDP Allow Controller to Die PeacefullyACQT Advance Clock to Quitting TimeADB Another Dumb BugAEE Absolve Engineering ErrorsAFF Add Fudge FactorAFHB Align Fullword on Halfword BoundaryAFP Abnormalize Floating PointAFR Abort Funny RoutineAFVC Add Finagle’s Variable ConstantAGB Add GarBageAGWA Add and Get Wrong AnswerAI Add ImproperAIB Attack Innocent BystanderAIB Attack Innocent BystandersAISG Access and [...]
Architect programmer
|If architects had to work like programmers . . .Dear Mr. Architect,Please design and build me a house. I am not quite sure of what I need, so you should use your discretion.My house should have between two and forty-five bedrooms. Just make sure the plans are such that the bedrooms can be easily added [...]
Car break trouble
| Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Branch Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt [...]
Why Engineers Don’t Write Recipe Books
|Chocolate Chip Cookies:Ingredients:1. 532.35 cm3 gluten2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO33. 4.9 cm3 refined halite4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O116. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O117. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)To a 2-L jacketed [...]
Settling a cow case
|A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher’s prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace [...]
Become more effective
|The unit engineer had just finished a talk on introducing mechanization in fatigue details. A sergeant reported thoughtfully: “Sir, I just discovered something that does the work of fifty men.””What is it?” the officer got interested.”Two hundred soldiers.”
Brag about parents
|An Army brat was boasting about his father to a Navy brat.”My dad is an engineer. He can do everything. Do you know the Alps?””Yes,” said the Navy brat.”My dad has built them.”Then the naval kid spoke: “And do you know the Dead Sea?””Yes.””It’s my dad who’s killed it!”
Buying your ticket
|Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.”How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an accountant. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer. They all board [...]